A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, then let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said; "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.
1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important. . .because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
10. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.
11. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
12. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . there's no way you're going to like it.
13. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
14. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
15. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
16. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
17. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . . . . . . but it's still a gift.
May you always have enough!
I had to look up "paraprosdokian." Here is the definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
e.g. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." ~ Jon Hammond
As I get older I found this most meaningful. Please take the time to read.
Walk with me by the water, well worth the read...
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
I forgot the words...
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200-year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Montana reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Miles City, Fred, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Montana had already gone wireless."
Just makes a person proud to live in or have lived in Montana , doesn't it?
(courtesy of my friend Sharon)