Displaying items by tag: Comedy
"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia' - but only slightly less well-known is this: 'Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line'! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..."
"You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, 'Wait a second, could it be?' And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!"
If you know us, you probably also know that about a year ago, Penny and I returned to the biker lifestyle. Well okay, maybe biker lite lifestyle. We both have Harley Davidson motorcycles. She has an '09 Sportster and I have an '09 Dyna. Well, here is the dilema...
It is EXHAUSTING dealing with the garage door when we go riding. We have to get off the bike and go close it after we pull out, and even worse, pull up, get off, tap in a code to open the garage door so we can put the bikes away. That is where the "lazy" comes in... I have been looking at systems that you can install on the motorcycle to open the garage doors. Most seem to hook into the headlight circuit; you flash your highbeams a couple times to activate the installed opener and it sends a signal to the opener and opens the door. Of course, HD being HD (Harley Davidson)... Their version of equipment cost well over $100 or HD (Hundred Dollars). So, I have been looking on ebay and the like. I found this system demo on YouTube and thought that maybe you all would be interested in seeing how this guy's system works. It is actually a very clean installation! There is no indication that the system has been even installed on the bike, and THAT is exactly what I want!!!
Unfortunately, I'd have to rely on the basement troll (Dan) to do the deed. He is pretty unreliable because he is rarely home...
Sometimes it IS better to have a SMALL ONE!
Have a GREAT DAY!
And you thought it was going to be dirty !!
Shame on you ...
HERE'S THE REASON...
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!
Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID... THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET
Here is a good story sent to me by another friend...
My wife and I went to the Liberty County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' This bull mated 50 times last year. '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs... Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
' This bull mated 150 times last year. '
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW!! That's more than twice a week ! ...You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
' THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR! '
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
What happens when you give an artist some wire and some household objects? Have a look!
You say TOMATO, I SAY TOMATO. You say POTATOES, I say ZOMBIES!
Fruit with life experience!
Zombies are nuts about brains!
Paper training our little dog, Frank.
A little cat doodle.
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Please enjoy and understand the following :
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
You know, I have always liked having four seasons. I have lived all around the world and the places where I lived that had fewer just seemed to lack something. That being said, there comes a time when enough is enough and it is simply time to move on to the next season. SO, with that...
This image sent to me by my friend Fran!
My friend Matt sent me the first image in this list. I noticed it was from MthruF.com and I thought I would go take a look. Definitely, if you have a minute to browse, check out this site. They have some pretty funny office humor on there!