Displaying items by tag: Comedy
Sometimes... a picture DOES say 1000 words.
These pictures are pretty darn funny, if I do say so myself!!!
Thanks Mom and Matt!
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is *nutritionally complete* so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
This is one of my current favorites which was sent by one of my brothers. It makes me laugh and now I like to say "What was in there?".
http://www.dvorak.org/blog/2011/05/10/w ... /#comments
My friend sent me the link for this video. It is very funny! Check it out!!!
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'. 'It's The Box Office.'
Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.
A real good woman is a man's best friend.
She will Never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry.. I'm thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Montana market:
"BIG SKY BARBIE"
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named"Belle"and a million dollar waterfront home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. She has no idea what Ken does for work. Cell phone and golden retriever dog sold separately.
"GREAT FALLS BARBIE"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built spec house in new sub division.
"HUNGRY HORSE BARBIE"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Billings Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Missoula Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"WOLF POINT BARBIE"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Warning: it is possible that Wolf Point Barbie will soon come with an additional infant.
She's perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings. Available with 2.5 kids.
While we are on the subject of church, this prayer was sent to me by my friend Clay. I thought it was pretty entertaining, almost tattoo worthy!!!
Please allow this dangerous combination of hair spray, bat slobber, and D.O.T. four automatic transmission fluid to excite my mind, occupy my spirits, and enrage my body, provoking me to kick any man or woman in the back of the head regardless of what he or she has or has not done unto me.
All my Best, Earlie Cuyler.
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
17. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
Even babies wear camo to services in the fall.