I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 68.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
The doctor responded by asking, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much since my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, go on vacations or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even care?
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200-year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Montana reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Miles City, Fred, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Montana had already gone wireless."
Just makes a person proud to live in or have lived in Montana , doesn't it?
(courtesy of my friend Sharon)
My friend Stan sent me this one. I thought it was pretty good (and truthful!) So I share!!!
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.
Well . . . You'll love this one.
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
'What did you teach???'
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security
|Terrorist Plots Discovered||0|
(courtesy of my cousin Terry)
Here is one from my buddy Matt.
The Montana Department of Labor and Industries heard a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
MT Gov’t employee: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
Farmer: “Well, there's my farm hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and gets a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
MT Gov’t employee: “That's the guy I want to talk to.....the mentally challenged one.”
Farmer: “That would be me.”
Here is one my Father Inlaw (a farmer) told me one time...
Do you know why they only bury farmers two feet under?
It's so they can still get their handout...
Here is a good one... a lawyer joke AND a blonde joke!
How can you get any better than that???
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of the frozen crabs. She took the box and promised to put it in the crews refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to make an announcement to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Penny sent me these. Thought they deserved a place of honor on our blog... :)
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts these are the codes for you.
ATD.................At The Doctor's
BFF..................Best Friend Farted
BTW.................Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT................Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM.................Covered By Medicare
CUATSC...........See You At The Senior Center
DWI.................Driving While Incontinent
FWB..................Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW................Forgot Where I Was
FYI....................Found Your Insulin
GGPBL...............Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA...................Got Heartburn Again
HGBM................Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO.................Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO................Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL...................Living On Lipitor
LWO.................Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR................On My Massage Recliner
OMSG................Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU.............Rolling On The Floor Laughing Can't Get Up
SGGP................Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL..................Talk To You Louder
WAITT...............Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA................Wet The Furniture Again
WTP.................Where's The Prunes?
WWNO................Walker Wheels Need Oil
EAPO................Erection Almost Passed Out
VOSA................Viagra On Sale At -
Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing; send the additions back to the person who sent you this so they can update their list.
GGLKI ..............Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
ITIWG...............I Thought It Was Gas
OMGDMMLIHBSLNAIHBCGWSII ...Oh my god, don’t make me laugh, I had bean soup last night and I have been chewing gum with sorbitol in it!
I happened across these rules while surfing the internet. Considering MY bowling skillz (or lack there of...), I thought I would share them. They originated here. He has some pretty funny stuff on there but be forewarned, some of it is pretty racy!
New Bowling Rules
By Talkin Sport Sunday, 24 January 2010
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking down pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
Okay, time for a little bit of self-deprecating humor...
This was another item in that box of stuff my mom sent home with us... It says "Layne 1979", so that would put me in 9th or 10th grade... Neither an artist nor a wordsmith am I!!!
NO MENSA FOR ME! Probably had 6 weeks to do the assignment and procrastinated until 10 minutes before class... Check it out!!!
Here is another from a friend. Enjoy!
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT