The older we get....hmmm... What was I going to say again???
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
The mother: 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Friendship ( None of that sissy shit )
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.
7. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends.
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
He wants to test the whole dumb blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, I just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that I ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then I'll give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill then asked; "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answer. Flustered and confused, the young man hands the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reaches into her purse and hands the young man a five dollar bill.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
I have a soft spot for animated movies. This is one of my current favorites. If you haven't seen it... Check it out!
"Here's my day so far: went to jail, lost the girl of my dreams and got my butt kicked pretty good. Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't. How did it all come to this? Well, my end starts at the beginning... The very beginning!"
"No matter how hard I tried, I was always the odd man out, the last one picked, the screw-up, the black sheep... the bad boy. Was this my destiny?... Wait. Maybe it was! Being bad is the one thing I'm good at! Then it hit me: if I was the bad boy, then I was going to be the baddest boy of them ALL!"
Yesterday I was on the phone with a person from tech support representing a well-known security company whose equipment we use. He wanted to do a “WebEx” so we could try a few things on some busted equipment. When he connected up, he saw my current background image and actually started stuttering and stammering. He commented that it was a beautiful bike! I told him it was my dream bike. He said, “Mr Cope, that is everyone’s dream bike!!!” It actually took him a couple minutes to regain his composure! Now, I suspect that this fellow was from India or something like that. I could see how in a country full of scooters and tiny cars that a phat Harley would be a popular dream… Props to Harley Davidson for creating one of my favorite Street Glide photos of all time!!! I think it is a very sexy picture.
Sometimes... a picture DOES say 1000 words.
These pictures are pretty darn funny, if I do say so myself!!!
Thanks Mom and Matt!
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'. 'It's The Box Office.'
Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.
A real good woman is a man's best friend.
She will Never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry.. I'm thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Montana market:
"BIG SKY BARBIE"
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named"Belle"and a million dollar waterfront home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. She has no idea what Ken does for work. Cell phone and golden retriever dog sold separately.
"GREAT FALLS BARBIE"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built spec house in new sub division.
"HUNGRY HORSE BARBIE"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Billings Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Missoula Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"WOLF POINT BARBIE"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Warning: it is possible that Wolf Point Barbie will soon come with an additional infant.
She's perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings. Available with 2.5 kids.
While we are on the subject of church, this prayer was sent to me by my friend Clay. I thought it was pretty entertaining, almost tattoo worthy!!!
Please allow this dangerous combination of hair spray, bat slobber, and D.O.T. four automatic transmission fluid to excite my mind, occupy my spirits, and enrage my body, provoking me to kick any man or woman in the back of the head regardless of what he or she has or has not done unto me.
All my Best, Earlie Cuyler.
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
17. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
Even babies wear camo to services in the fall.