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Chuckler

Chuckler (57)

Tuesday, 31 January 2012 03:46

What is your animal name?

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Cougar The Beautiful Sloth... You?

What is your animal name?

What is your sign?

Thanks Matt! Laughing

Saturday, 21 January 2012 16:43

Aphorisms

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APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

headscratch3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important. . .because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

10. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

11. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

12. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . there's no way you're going to like it.

13. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

14. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

15. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

16. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.

17. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . . . . . . but it's still a gift.

May you always have enough!

Thanks Sharon!Laughing

Tuesday, 08 November 2011 01:41

Tough Love

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Pilot Father's Tough Love

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children harshly, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one way that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, the beauty of being in the air, or just the time away from any distractions, but it seems to always work. Whatever it is, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

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SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO

tufflove

Thanks Steve!Laughing

Tuesday, 01 November 2011 19:42

Dictionary Additions

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These are great!

They are alternative meanings that should be added to the dictionary.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

Thanks Steve!Laughing

Tuesday, 01 November 2011 00:48

Better than a Flu Shot!

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Miss Beatrice,


The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.


She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.


oldwomanOne afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.


She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.


The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things,


A CONDOM!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'


Pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?


I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.


The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease...

 

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!?!?!

Saturday, 22 October 2011 02:00

HOW TO START A FIGHT

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
That's when the fight started...


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
That's when the fight started...


husbandwifefightingI took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
That's when the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
That's when the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
That's when the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
That's when the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
That's when the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
That's when the fight started...


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's when the fight started...

Thursday, 20 October 2011 23:17

PARAPROSDOKIANS

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I had to look up "paraprosdokian." Here is the definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

e.g. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!


Good Ideas

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." ~ Jon Hammond

Thanks Sharon!Laughing

Thursday, 20 October 2011 13:40

One for the women...

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FOR ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW WHO DRIVE ALONE!

I had a flat tire on the 394 yesterday ; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him ...

Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ...

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

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Emergency Flashers

I go to court in January.

(Damn Police. No sense of humor.)

Thanks Nica!Cool

Wednesday, 19 October 2011 02:52

Men might understand...

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This one speaks for itself... I thought it was funny and had to share. (No, I am not hen pecked... Am I honey???)

HorseImage1

 

Thanks Janet! Laughing

Wednesday, 19 October 2011 02:38

Dog 4 Sale

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Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. See the picture and read the sales pitch below......

Dog For Sale ------ Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.

D4SImage

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,

as there are no more drug pushers, thieves,

murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood

for him to eat.

Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name...

Ho Lee Schitt!!!

Thanks Mom!Laughing

Wednesday, 19 October 2011 02:32

Cool Biker Gag

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Carlsberg Beer set up a stunt in which they filled a movie theater with tough-looking biker types, and filmed what innocent ticket-buyers would do.

Thanks Jay! Smile

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