I am a geek. A Windows geek to be exact. I do all things computer. I do like outdoor activities; camping, fishing, riding my hawg, etc. but I always gravitate back to the computer. In fact, between work, the biz and other stuff, if I am not on the 'puter for 14 - 16 hours a day, I feel deprived!
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200-year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Montana reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Miles City, Fred, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Montana had already gone wireless."
Just makes a person proud to live in or have lived in Montana , doesn't it?
(courtesy of my friend Sharon)
My friend Stan sent me this one. I thought it was pretty good (and truthful!) So I share!!!
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.
Well . . . You'll love this one.
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
'What did you teach???'
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security
|Terrorist Plots Discovered||0|
(courtesy of my cousin Terry)
The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln
(courtesy of my friend Steve) Thanks Steve!!!
Here is one from my buddy Matt.
The Montana Department of Labor and Industries heard a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
MT Gov’t employee: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
Farmer: “Well, there's my farm hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and gets a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
MT Gov’t employee: “That's the guy I want to talk to.....the mentally challenged one.”
Farmer: “That would be me.”
Here is one my Father Inlaw (a farmer) told me one time...
Do you know why they only bury farmers two feet under?
It's so they can still get their handout...
Here is a good one... a lawyer joke AND a blonde joke!
How can you get any better than that???
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of the frozen crabs. She took the box and promised to put it in the crews refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to make an announcement to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Here is one I got from my bro, "T$". I had to share!!!!
A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.
To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.
It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.
A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.
One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...
"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."
After a month and a half of 3/4 hearted studying I finally took and passed my test on 12/29/2010! I scored 860 out of a possible 900. Pretty happy with that. I had to get at least 720... Now I am officially...
Now on to other studies. My next class will result in a CIW Java Script Certification...
Penny sent me these. Thought they deserved a place of honor on our blog... :)
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts these are the codes for you.
ATD.................At The Doctor's
BFF..................Best Friend Farted
BTW.................Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT................Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM.................Covered By Medicare
CUATSC...........See You At The Senior Center
DWI.................Driving While Incontinent
FWB..................Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW................Forgot Where I Was
FYI....................Found Your Insulin
GGPBL...............Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA...................Got Heartburn Again
HGBM................Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO.................Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO................Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL...................Living On Lipitor
LWO.................Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR................On My Massage Recliner
OMSG................Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU.............Rolling On The Floor Laughing Can't Get Up
SGGP................Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL..................Talk To You Louder
WAITT...............Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA................Wet The Furniture Again
WTP.................Where's The Prunes?
WWNO................Walker Wheels Need Oil
EAPO................Erection Almost Passed Out
VOSA................Viagra On Sale At -
Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing; send the additions back to the person who sent you this so they can update their list.
GGLKI ..............Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
ITIWG...............I Thought It Was Gas
OMGDMMLIHBSLNAIHBCGWSII ...Oh my god, don’t make me laugh, I had bean soup last night and I have been chewing gum with sorbitol in it!
I don't know if this is truly a Craig's List ad, but it IS truly entertaining. So, here it is for your reading pleasure... Reminds me of how easy it is to get a conceal carry license down South. I used to have one when we lived in Alabama!
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket... The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.); In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ....... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Please read and heed the important Holiday Eating Tips below!
Trust me, they are essential for proper enjoyment of the season! Thanks Penny!
*HOLIDAY* *EATING* *TIPS*
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a glass of red wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack that recently took place in Calgary Canada.
The pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack! They were horrified by the grizzly scene and several were treated for shock after the attack.
Reports from the local newspapers say that the victim will make a full recovery.
The photos are below. These are quite graphic so please use caution.
I happened across these rules while surfing the internet. Considering MY bowling skillz (or lack there of...), I thought I would share them. They originated here. He has some pretty funny stuff on there but be forewarned, some of it is pretty racy!
New Bowling Rules
By Talkin Sport Sunday, 24 January 2010
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking down pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.