It has been a LONG TIME since I have posted. I am going to try to do better...
WOW! Penny and I started Taekwondo at Frederick's ATA at the beginning of December. It has been SO MUCH FUN! Mrs. Frederick is so nice and an awesome instructor! Everyone else has been really nice and supportive too! If you are looking for a fun way to get into shape, I want to recommend trying this out!
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my sweet wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence, when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold revealing twelve dinner guests seated around the table. With their hands to their noses and tears in their eyes, they choked out the chorus... "Happy Birthday"...
Everyone meet "Richard"...
He's a weiner dog!!! !!! !!!
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, then let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said; "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Cougar The Beautiful Sloth... You?
Pilot Father's Tough Love
Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children harshly, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'
Since I'm a pilot, one way that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, the beauty of being in the air, or just the time away from any distractions, but it seems to always work. Whatever it is, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.
I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...
SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO
These are great!
They are alternative meanings that should be added to the dictionary.
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.
A place where women curl up and dye.
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
An insect that makes you like flies better.
A grape with a sunburn.
Something you tell to one person at a time.
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
The pain that drives you to extraction.
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things,
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease...
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!?!?!