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Thursday, 30 December 2010 00:01

STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Penny sent me these. Thought they deserved a place of honor on our blog... :)

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts these are the codes for you.


ATD.................At The Doctor's
BFF..................Best Friend Farted
BTW.................Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT................Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM.................Covered By Medicare
CUATSC...........See You At The Senior Center
DWI.................Driving While Incontinent
FWB..................Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW................Forgot Where I Was
FYI....................Found Your Insulin
GGPBL...............Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA...................Got Heartburn Again
HGBM................Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO.................Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO................Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL...................Living On Lipitor
LWO.................Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR................On My Massage Recliner
OMSG................Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU.............Rolling On The Floor Laughing Can't Get Up
SGGP................Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL..................Talk To You Louder
WAITT...............Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA................Wet The Furniture Again
WTP.................Where's The Prunes?
WWNO................Walker Wheels Need Oil
EAPO................Erection Almost Passed Out
VOSA................Viagra On Sale At -

Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing; send the additions back to the person who sent you this so they can update their list.

GGLKI ..............Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
ITIWG...............I Thought It Was Gas
OMGDMMLIHBSLNAIHBCGWSII ...Oh my god, don’t make me laugh, I had bean soup last night and I have been chewing gum with sorbitol in it!

Published in Chuckler
Friday, 24 December 2010 16:56

An Actual Craig's List Personals Ad

I don't know if this is truly a Craig's List ad, but it IS truly entertaining. So, here it is for your reading pleasure... Reminds me of how easy it is to get a conceal carry license down South. I used to have one when we lived in Alabama!

Laughing


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket... The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.); In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ....... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Published in Minutia
Friday, 24 December 2010 16:43

Holiday Eating Tips

Please read and heed the important Holiday Eating Tips below!

Trust me, they are essential for proper enjoyment of the season! Thanks Penny! Smile


*HOLIDAY* *EATING* *TIPS*

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a glass of red wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Published in Holidaze
Friday, 24 December 2010 16:29

Bear Attack in Calgary

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack that recently took place in Calgary Canada.

The pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack! They were horrified by the grizzly scene and several were treated for shock after the attack.

Reports from the local newspapers say that the victim will make a full recovery.

The photos are below. These are quite graphic so please use caution.

Click here if you still want to see them.

Published in Newz
Friday, 24 December 2010 16:07

New Bowling Rules

I happened across these rules while surfing the internet. Considering MY bowling skillz (or lack there of...), I thought I would share them. They originated here. He has some pretty funny stuff on there but be forewarned, some of it is pretty racy!

Wink


New Bowling Rules
By Talkin Sport Sunday, 24 January 2010
Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking down pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.


Published in Chuckler
Thursday, 23 December 2010 23:49

TSA...

Scan or pat down. I thought it was pretty funny when somebody commented that if they opted for the pat down and liked it, could they get another?

Anyway, here are a few possible bumper stickers poking a little fun at the new security procedures... Thanks Tim! Laughing


 

 

TSA Bumper Snickers

 

Published in Groaner
Thursday, 16 December 2010 03:58

Sharksville, Atlantis

Okay, time for a little bit of self-deprecating humor...

This was another item in that box of stuff my mom sent home with us... It says "Layne 1979", so that would put me in 9th or 10th grade... Neither an artist nor a wordsmith am I!!!

NO MENSA FOR ME! Probably had 6 weeks to do the assignment and procrastinated until 10 minutes before class... Check it out!!! Wink

Great W. Shark

Published in Chuckler
Sunday, 12 December 2010 05:08

Why we love children...

Here is another from a friend. Enjoy!

Laughing


1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITYlittle boy
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

Published in Chuckler
Saturday, 11 December 2010 17:23

iDevices

This was sent to me by a friend of mine. I could not resist posting it because I thought it was pretty funny.

Laughing

Of course, as a married man, I really think it is appalling! I promise I do!!! PROMISE!

 


 

It all began

with

an iPhone . . .

 

March was when

my son celebrated

his 15th birthday,

and I got him

an iPhone.

 

He just loved it.

Who wouldn't?

 

iPhone

 

I celebrated

my birthday in July,

and my wife made me

very happy when

she bought me

an iPad.

 

iPad

 

My daughter's birthday

was in August

so I got her an

iPodTouch.

 

iPod

 

September came by,

so for her birthday

i got my wife

an iRon.

 

iRon

 

It was around then

that the fight started . . .


 

 

I PROMISE!!! As proof, if you notice my profile, I am a Windows/Microsoft geek. I am totally APPALLED by any form of iPpliance!Tongue out

 

 

 

Published in Chuckler
Saturday, 11 December 2010 17:10

The BIG bucks...

Some people may marvel at the seemingly easy things we, as geeks, do to earn our paycheck. Most of the time it seems like all we do is suggest a reboot. Okay, I admit that is the fix a surprising amount of the time and really ANYONE could suggest the old reboot fix.

So, why do we get the big money and why do people put up with all our wierdness and quirks? Perhaps it is because we have the bent/warped mind necessary to figure out instructions like these below...

How to install a hard drive

Or maybe it is a chicken versus egg argument... Maybe these sorts of instructions made us the way we are!?!?!?!?! Things that make me go HMMMMM....

Fortunately, a picture says at least 200 words in this computer case...

Laughing

Published in Geeky