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Thursday, 08 November 2012 12:40

The Election

The blurb below was posted in response to some comments about an article related the recent presidential election, in our local newspaper. I thought it was very good so I am reposting it here.

If you prayed for God to guide the election, and your candidate DIDN’T win, then three possible outcomes enter my mind:

1. There is no God.
2. There is a God and he doesn’t care who won or who you wanted to win.
3. He heard your prayers, and answered them, not with the politician you WANTED, but the ONE YOU NEEDED.

Published in Politico
Tuesday, 04 October 2011 01:50

Anthropomorphic Collective Nouns

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a

NounImage2

Herd of cows,

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a Flock of chickens,

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a School of fish

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and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is:

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a Pride of lions,

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a Murder of crows

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(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

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an Exaltation of doves

and, presumably because they look so wise:

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a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.

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They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

?

?

Believe it or not ...... a Congress!

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A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !

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You just can't make this stuff up.

Go green - Recycle Congress in 2012 !!!

Thanks Kathy! Laughing

Published in Truth
Monday, 10 January 2011 03:08

TSA Statistics

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security

Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

(courtesy of my cousin Terry)

Published in Chuckler
Friday, 07 January 2011 01:08

The truth on the Internet

The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine.

- Abraham Lincoln

(courtesy of my friend Steve) Thanks Steve!!!

Published in Importance!
Tuesday, 04 January 2011 02:01

Farmers...

Here is one from my buddy Matt.

Thanks Matt!!!! Laughing


The Montana Department of Labor and Industries heard a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Investigatorfarmer_man_working_on_the_farm_0521-1011-0114-5031_SMUMT Gov’t employee: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

Farmer: “Well, there's my farm hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and gets a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

MT Gov’t employee: “That's the guy I want to talk to.....the mentally challenged one.”

Farmer: “That would be me.”


Here is one my Father Inlaw (a farmer) told me one time...

Do you know why they only bury farmers two feet under?ca-die-to-self

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.

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.

.

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imagesCAY7YM4VIt's so they can still get their handout... Tongue out

Published in Chuckler
Thursday, 23 December 2010 23:49

TSA...

Scan or pat down. I thought it was pretty funny when somebody commented that if they opted for the pat down and liked it, could they get another?

Anyway, here are a few possible bumper stickers poking a little fun at the new security procedures... Thanks Tim! Laughing


 

 

TSA Bumper Snickers

 

Published in Groaner
Thursday, 23 December 2010 23:36

Stimulus Package

Here is another sent to me by a friend.

I think it is probably pretty close to the truth!


It is a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

Money to BurnAs soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.

 

Anyone else see the flaw in this scheme though??? By my guestimation, the hotel proprietor is still out a hundred bucks!!!!

Published in Politico
Thursday, 04 November 2010 12:16

Pet Peeves

I like to hold them and stroke them and call them George!

Anyway... I will be writing them, and adding more to the list, in the future.

grrr_copy 1. Talking/texting on the cellphone while driving. Some people just don't have sufficient brain power to multi-task like this! Props to Billings Montana for passing a law making this practice illegal! We need to spread that law around the state!

2. Bicyclists who ride the wrong direction on one way streets (how can you see the traffic lights?) and who just plain ignore traffic laws. Every time I see one blow through a red light or run a stop sign, my teeth get a little flatter.

More to come...

 

Published in Annoyance
Wednesday, 03 November 2010 03:29

Republicans...

Since it looks like the Republicans are regaining some seats in Washington, I thought I would post one of my favorite elephant stories...


Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. VixArtwork_RepublicanElephantVSDemocratDonkey

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid body against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Published in Politico